The War of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place
by Lady Wolfie
Summary: The inhabitants of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place decide to play a friendly, harmless game of Capture the Flag. Friendly? Harmless? Yeah, right. Summer of OOTP. R&R please!
1. Boredom and an idea

**Title**: The War of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place

**Rating**: K

**Genre**: Humor

**Setting**: Summer of OOTP

**Ships**: Most likely none, though maybe something at some point if you tap your heels together three times and wish really hard.

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing.

**A/N**: I've been wanting to write this for a while now. Hopefully it will be as entertaining for you to read as it was for me to think up. Some characters might end up being a little OOC, but not too badly. Please R&R! I LOVE constructive criticism. Flames will be used to light your house on fire. Enjoy!

* * *

It was a particularly boring summer afternoon at number twelve, Grimmauld Place. Most of the house's residents and usual guests were

gathered in the drawing room, halfheartedly attempting to clean. Ginny Weasley had been polishing the same spot on the piano for about

ten minutes while her brother Ron was on the floor, lazily rolling a ball to Hermione's cat Crookshanks, who just as unenthusiastically

batted the ball back to Ron. Sirius Black and his godson, Harry Potter were laying on opposite ends of the dusty couch, one occasionally

lightly kicking the other, as if to make sure he was still alive. Even Hermione Granger, usually the responsible one, was curled up in an

oversized armchair, half asleep.

When Molly Weasley burst into the room, everyone immediately jumped up and tried (and failed) to make it look like they were

actually working. Fortunately for them, Mrs. Weasley didn't notice; she was too busy bustling from room to room spouting off instructions

for the evening: "We'll, I'm off to run some errands, won't be back for a few hours, Arthur's at the Ministry working overtime, owl him if

it's an emergency, Ginny, dear, do stop slouching, it's bad for your posture, there's lasagna in the ice box, put it in the oven about an hour

before you're ready to eat dinner, and _don't forget to take the plastic off this time_" – here, she glared at Tonks – "I might not be back

in time for the Order meeting, don't bother waiting, Fred and George, stay out of trouble, Bill, make sure Fred and George stay out of

trouble, when I get back I expect to see this room sparkling clean, Sirius, you're in char—" she stopped, thought better of it, and said,

"Remus, you're in charge, well, that's all, ta!" Remus Lupin looked up from the novel he was reading with a questioning "Hmm?", but Mrs.

Weasley had already left the room. He shrugged and returned his attention to his book. When the group heard the front door close,

everyone flopped down in their previous positions, and stared blankly at the door or the floor or something else that rhymes.

"So," began Sirius after several moments of silence, "anyone catch any of that?" A few people shook their heads, a few gave a quiet

"Nope" and the rest just continued to stare blankly. "Oh," he said, "good." And so the inhabitants of number twelve, Grimmauld Place

returned to being lazy.

After what felt like hours, but really was only a few extremely long minutes, Harry sat bolt upright on the couch, said "I'M BORED!"

and flopped back down again, startling Crookshanks who was now sitting on Sirius' lap, causing the cat/Kneazle to dig his claws into the

older man's legs.

"OW!" cried Sirius, picking the cat up and returning him to the floor. He stretched and said, "Me too. There's gotta be something other

than cleaning that we can do around here."

"Maybe," chimed in Hermione, "if we actually do clean, it'll keep our minds off our boredom." At this, everyone grumbled. Hermione

only shrugged and rolled over to a more comfortable position in her armchair.

"We should all play a game or something," offered Ginny. "That could be fun." Ginny's suggestion was met with slightly more

enthusiastic grumbles.

"What do we play then?" asked Ron.

Remus closed his book – trying to concentrate was useless at this point, which was really a shame, he thought, because it was quite a

good story – and said, "We could magic up some Muggle board games. They're a great cure for boredom. Maybe Clue or Risk or

Scrabble..."

"Oh, no," interrupted Sirius, "Not after what happened last time!"

Remus winced at the memory. "Good point," he agreed. "Well then, I'm out of ideas." Suddenly, Tonks perked up.

"I've got it!" she exclaimed. She waved her wand and on the floor appeared a large pile of brightly colored guns of all shapes and sizes.

"Guns?!" cried Bill. "Really, Tonks, it's not _that_ bad!"

"Not just any guns, Bill," she corrected, picking up a small pink pistol, aiming it at his head and firing. Bill was shocked to feel cold

water running down his face.

"Water guns!" he laughed.

"Yep!" said Tonks, proudly. "I propose a good old fashioned game of Capture the Flag!" Everyone nodded their heads, slightly

awkwardly. Tonks sighed. "Oh, come on!" she said. "Don't tell me none of you have ever played Capture the Flag!"

Most of them shook their heads no, but Harry spoke up. "Well," he said, "I have with my cousin Dudley and his friends, but I always

end up being the only one to get shot and am the only one on my team and I usually end up locked in the washing room with no pants.

That's not how it's actually played, right?" he finished hopefully.

Tonks laughed. "'Course not!" she assured him. "Here's how it's played: There are two teams and each team has a flag that they have

to hide somewhere around the house. Only the people on your team can know where the flag is – the other team has to find it. If you get

shot, you're the other team's prisoner. They take you to their prison and can try to make you talk. Each team also has a base where

you're safe. The game doesn't end until you've gotten the other team's flag back to your team's base. Everyone got it?" The gang replied

enthusiastically yes. "Good. A few rules: No magic, except for refilling the guns. Leave your wands at base. The flag must be at least half

way visible, wherever you hide it. It can't be impossible to find. Also, anyone who happens to show up at any time is fair game. Except for

Moody 'cause that would just be unfair." Everyone nodded in agreement, fearing what it would be like if they had to face Moody in even a

fake battle, not to mention the advantage of his magical eye. "There are ten of us now, so teams will at least start out even. Speaking of,

we need to choose teams! Since it was my idea, I call dibs on being Captain of the first team."

Sirius grabbed a blue and green, three-tank gun off the pile and said, "And I'll be Captain of the other team!"

"Great," said Tonks, "You choose first." Sirius grinned mischievously and scanned the room for potential teammates.

"Remus!" The werewolf reluctantly got up from his chair and stood beside his friend.

It was Tonks' turn. "Harry!" she chose. He high-fived her as he stood by her side.

"Ron!" continued Sirius. The two of them continued like that until everyone had been chosen. Tonks' team consisted of Harry, Ginny,

Fred and Bill, while Sirius' was made up of Remus, Ron, Hermione and George. Members of both team chose their weapons, some

people arming themselves with small pistols, while others opted for a bigger gun, and still others chose a combination of both.

"All right!" said George, excitedly. "Are we ready to play?"

"Not quite," Tonks replied. "There are still a few things we need to do. First, we need team names." Everyone looked slightly confused.

"But why?" asked Bill.

"_Because_," she said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, "It's more fun that way!"

"Okay then," said Sirius, grinning madly, "we'll be –" he pondered his team for a moment – "the Ninjas!"

"The _Ninjas_?" asked Remus incredulously.

"Of course!" said Sirius happily. "Ninjas are awesome!"

Remus rolled his eyes. "You're not allowed to choose team names anymore." Sirius scowled.

"Fine then, "said Tonks. "We'll be the Pirates!"

"Oh, please," scoffed Sirius. "Everyone knows that Ninjas are better than Pirates any day!"

"No, they're not!"

"Yes, they are!"

"No, they're not!"

"Yes, they are!"

"No, they're –"

"STOP!" yelled Ginny. "We'll settle this on the battlefield." Sirius and Tonks glared at each other, but nodded in agreement.

"What should we use for flags?" asked Hermione.

"How about..." began Remus, waving his wand. In Sirius' hand there appeared a red flag with two crossed katana swords. In Tonks'

hand was the traditional Jolly Roger.

"Perfect!" she exclaimed. "Let's split up and chose our bases and prisons and hide the flags. Meet back here in ten minutes." The

Pirates chose Harry and Ron's room on the second floor as their base and the third floor library as their prison. The Ninjas chose the

kitchen as a base and the study as a prison, both on the first floor. Before returning to the drawing room, the Pirates held a quick meeting

at base. "Ginny, you hide the flag well?" asked Tonks.

"Yep!" she replied, and said in a hushed tone, "I hid it in mum and dad's room in a pair of dad's socks. Tonks laughed loudly.

"Good job! Shall we go?" The Pirates filed out of the room and met the Ninjas back in the drawing room. "You ready to lose, Black?"

challenged Tonks.

"If by 'lose' you mean 'win', then yes, I am ready to lose! I mean...wait..." A puzzled look came across Sirius' face. "Lose...you

mean...win..." he mumbled. "Yeah, that was right!" he finally exclaimed proudly, straightening up and crossing his arms, looking as though

he had already won the game, defeated Voldemort, and found a million Galleons lying in the street. Harry laughed at his godfather's lack of

eloquence. Remus sighed and had a hand-to-face moment.

"Before we begin," chimed in Bill, "I have an idea!" He waved his wand and the Ninjas were suddenly dressed as ninjas, while the

Pirates were in full pirate garb. Tonks got a hat since she was the Captain. Everyone admired their costumes except for Remus, who just

really wanted to go back to reading his novel.

"Well, then," said Sirius, "I do believe we're ready."

"Indeed we are," replied Tonks. "Five minutes to get into position?"

"Right," said Sirius. They shook hands, eying each other competitively.

"Let the games begin."

* * *

**A/N**: Yay, one chapter down! Hopefully I'll get the next one up at some point this weekend. 3 


	2. Things Are Looking Up For The Ninjas

**A/N**: Yay, thank you guys muchly for the reviews! Glad you're liking it. I apologize for the crappy formatting of the last chapter. I hate it when this site does that. And of course, because this site hates me so much, this chapter will be just as badly formatted. Does anyone know how to fix it? It's really annoying. Grr. Anyway, here's chapter two. Enjoy!

* * *

Ginny was in the basement, ripping open boxes and raiding shelves, searching for the red flag. It wasn't an easy task; the basement 

was very dark. The only light came from two small windows near the ceiling. Not to mention the fact that the place gave her the creeps,

especially since, when trying to clean the basement when they first arrived, Ginny found a disembodied hand in a jar. What on Earth Sirius'

parents needed with a disembodied hand in a jar, she didn't want to know. She shuddered at the thought.

The game had been going on for almost an hour. As far as she knew, no one had been caught, and neither team had any idea where

the flags were. As slow as the game was moving, it was still thrilling.

Ginny kicked aside a pile of empty bottles, briefly examining each one, just in case. Suddenly, the basement door slammed shut,

causing Ginny to jump and spin around. '_I could have sworn I closed it when I came down here..._' she thought. Her eyes scanned the

darkness beyond the dim light, searching for who – or what – had caused the noise.

Slowly, alertly, she moved to the staircase. She looked up into the dark hallway, but couldn't see anything except for a thin beam of

light under the door. '_It must have been Kreacher,_' she thought, trying to reassure herself. '_God, I hope it was Kreacher._' For a

moment, it struck her as odd that she was actually hoping it was Kreacher, but then she realized that the Black family's evil House Elf was

probably better than a giant monster that wanted to eat her flesh with barbeque sauce and a side of chips.

Ginny turned, meaning to go back to searching, when the heard a creak to her left. Her eyes darted to the area of the noise. Then

there was a rustling sound to her right. I know what you're thinking, and yes, it was _exactly_ like something out of a bad horror movie. Her

heart was pounding. "H-hello? Kreacher? That you?" she said quietly into the darkness. Silence. Ginny stood, scanning the darkness for a

while longer, almost afraid to move.

'_Ginny Weasley, you are being ridiculous!_' she mentally reprimanded herself. Ginny took a deep breath and held it, closing her

eyes and trying to calm down. When she exhaled and opened her eyes, there was a tall, dark figure in front of her.

"Hello, Ginny," came the low growl. Her scream was muffled by a hand over her face. She struggled to escape, but when she felt the

cold water running down her neck, she knew it was too late.

* * *

"I have a prisoner!" proclaimed Sirius proudly as he entered the study, the Ninja team's prison. His hand was still over Ginny's 

mouth and he held the nozzle of the gun to the side of her head. He didn't really need to, since she had already been shot, but he had seen

something like that in a Muggle movie once, and it just looked so dramatic, so he did it anyway.

"Brilliant! Hello there, Gin," said Hermione, an undeniably evil glint in her eye. Ginny hadn't thought Hermione was capable of evil

glints, or evil anything for that matter. She was officially a little scared.

"I'll never talk! You'll never get the flag!" Ginny yelled, hoping the volume of her voice would conceal the nervousness it held. She

reminded herself to kill Bill for giving the other team costumes that are camouflaged in the dark. Hermione only gave a small laugh.

"We'll see about that," she said, pacing the floor, a menacing grin never leaving her face. "Sirius, come here, I have an idea." Sirius

released Ginny and went over to Hermione who whispered something in his ear, causing an equally menacing grin to spread across his

face. He giggled. Yes, the mighty Sirius Black giggled like a girl.

"No!" he said in a hushed tone to Hermione, but Ginny still heard. "We can't do that! That's cruel..." Hermione continued to whisper

to him. He glanced over to the prisoner, who was trying and failing at keeping up a fearless expression. When Hermione was finished,

Sirius sprinted to the door, glancing outside to make sure the coast was clear, then sneaking out like the stealthy Ninja he was.

Hermione took to pacing again, looking contemplatively at Ginny, as though she wasn't quite sure the torture she had devised was

horrible enough. Ginny swallowed, her throat dry from fear. They remained in silence, Ginny sitting quietly, stoically in a chair, Hermione

now leaning against the desk, examining a very shiny, very sharp letter opener. The evil grin had returned to her face.

After a few minutes, the door burst open, trailed by a jet of water, which Sirius just barely ducked. He slammed the door and leaned

against it, panting slightly.

"You got it?" asked Hermione anxiously. Sirius grinned.

"But of course!"

Ginny couldn't quite tell what the mysterious weapon was. It was about medium sized, translucent, no real shape or form. Sirius

slowly unfolded it. It was – '_Oh, God, no,_' though Ginny. Lying flat on the desk in front of Sirius and Hermione was a large sheet of

bubblewrap. The color drained from Ginny's face and slightly from her bright red hair too, which was saying something. Still, she tried to

look calm.

"How – how did you know?" she asked. "Did George or Ron tell you? I'll kill them..."

Sirius laughed. "Don't you remember? You told us!" Ginny tilted her head in confusion.

"What? When?!"

"Your dad brought some back from work one day and started popping it, at which point you let out a string of four-letter words and

demonstrated your infamous Bat-Bogey hex. It was very funny actually," he said, laughing. Ginny blushed at the memory. That little

incident had gotten her grounded for a week. She couldn't help it, though. The sound of popping bubblewrap just made something in her

brain snap.

"Sirius, would you like to do the honors?" offered Hermione.

"Thanks, but I'll leave this one to you. Flags to find, Pirates to capture, you know, the usual."

"Of course. Good luck!"

"The same to you. Have fun, girls!" On his way out the kitchen, Sirius gave Ginny an almost apologetic glance, but on the inside he

was laughing, and she knew it. She wished a watery, painful death upon him.

Once again, Ginny and Hermione were alone. Hermione had taken to pacing and grinning like a madman again. Ginny hated it when

she did that.

After a few moments of tense silence, Hermione spoke. "You know," she said, "It doesn't have to be like this." Ginny remained

quiet. She knew where this was going. "I don't _want_ to do this to you, Gin. You're like a sister to me." Her tone was almost sympathetic.

Still, Ginny remained quiet. "However...I will do what I must." Hermione took a corner of the bubble wrap in her hands, running her fingers over the plastic. A bead of sweat rested on Ginny's forehead. This was it. "Now, where is the flag?"

Ginny remained silent, glaring daggers at Hermione.

Hermione laughed. "I thought so."

POP! Ginny flinched. "I will ask you again, where is the flag?" Still, Ginny said nothing.

POP! POP!

'_Don't give in,_' thought Ginny. '_Don't give in..._'

POP! Went the bubblewrap again. Seeing that this would get her nowhere, Hermione thought of something that made her grin in a

very Grinch-like manner. She placed the bubble wrap on the floor. Ginny's eyes widened in horror.

"NO!!!" she cried. "You can't! Please, no. Please, God, no!!!" she sobbed.

"I don't have to!" said Hermione innocently. "Just tell me where the flag is..."

Ginny raised her head, he face red with anger. "No," she stated simply and quietly.

"Very well," said Hermione. She raised her foot above the bubblewrap. Ginny braced herself.

* * *

On the top floor, Tonks and Harry heard the screams of anguish. They glanced at each other, sadly, knowingly. "There's nothing we 

can do," said Harry. They resumed their search, fearing what the Ninjas could possibly be doing to poor Ginny to make her scream like

that. And then there were four on the Pirate team.


	3. Visitors

**A/N**: Thank you all for reviewing! This chapter is shorter than the others and not as funny as I hoped it would be, but hey. It will pick up soon, I promise! Enjoy!

* * *

George was back in the drawing room, ripping the sofa apart. He didn't find the flag, but he did find 4 Sickles, a dead spider and a 

lemon drop. Not even bothering to reassemble to couch, he moved onto something else.

Ever since Ginny had stopped screaming, the house had fallen into an uneasy silence. In fact, it was a bit _too_ silent in George's opinion.

Ginny hadn't talked, of course. He hadn't really expected her to, though he did have a newfound respect for Hermione. Last he checked,

Ginny was still in the prison, rocking back and forth in the fetal position and twitching. He didn't know what Hermione had done, but he

figured it must have been pretty cool to get that kind of reaction.

Closing a cupboard (but not before pocketing a few dead doxies – he and Fred were really onto something with that venom!), he

sighed and leaned against an armchair. All the prisoners in the world wouldn't matter if he couldn't find that flag. '_God,_' he prayed, '_if you _

_send us some help – any help – I won't prank any more Slytherins._' Just then, the doorbell rang and broke the silence, followed by the

sound of Mrs. Black's screaming portrait. '_...for the rest of the summer. Sucker!_' George ran out of the room and into the main hall.

Completely ignoring the portrait, he went straight to the door and put his hand on the knob.

"Not so fast, brother." George turned. Fred. His twin was pointing a gun at his with one hand and attempting to close the curtains with the

other. George moved to help, but Fred fired a shot at him, which his twin dodged.

"Relax!" said George. "I'm trying to help." Fred nodded and lowered his weapon. The doorbell rang again and Mrs. Black screamed

louder. Together, they yanked the curtains closed and silence fell on the house again. The brothers immediately resumed their guard. Fred

moved to the door, leaving his brother by the portrait.

"Whoever it is, he's mine!" said Fred.

"Like hell he is!" replied George. "I was here first!"

"You _so_ were not!"

"Yuh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-...wanna just open the door and let them decide?"

Fred shrugged. "Sure."

George stood beside his brother. Slowly, he turned the doorknob, then slammed open the door, the two brothers pointing their guns at the

visitors.

Professor McGonagall gasped and hid behind a chuckling Albus Dumbledore, who was inexplicably already dressed like a pirate. The

twins didn't find this in any way odd, though. They had known the Headmaster long enough that his eccentricities hardly surprised them

anymore. Looking out from behind the older man, McGonagall's face turned red with anger (and slight embarrassment) when she realized

that her assailants were none other than Fred and George Weasley holding Muggle water guns and dressed in ridiculous costumes.

"Fred and George Weasley!" she scolded, placing her fists on her hips. "What in Merlin's name do you think you're doing?! Scaring

unsuspecting visitors like that! Why, I –"

"Well," said Fred (who was refraining from pointing out that she was the only one who was scared), "I guess we know who's on which team!"

George sighed unhappily. "Yeah, yeah..." He took the Transfiguration teacher by the arm and led her to the base, ignoring her objections.

"George Weasley!" You release me right this minute! You just wait until your mother hears about this..."

Fred and Dumbledore watched the spectacle with amusement. When McGonagall's screams had disappeared behind the Ninja base

door, Dumbledore stepped into the house.

"Out of curiosity, Professor," began Fred, "how did you know about the game?"

Dumbledore tilted his head, but his trademark twinkle was in his eyes. "What game?"

Fred laughed and followed the Headmaster upstairs to the Pirate base. '_Score one for the Pirates!_'


	4. An Encounter

A/N: Thanks for the reviews, everyone! Glad you're enjoying it. This chapter will be pretty short, but hopefully fun. Also, there will be at most one or two more chapters after this one unless I get some seriously funny inspiration. But fear not! Hopefully I'll be starting another fic as soon as this one is finished. Anyway, enjoy!

Tonks slowly inched her way along a corridor on the top floor of the Black mansion. Her back was pressed up against the wall and her pistol was at the ready. She felt like a secret agent. It was pretty cool. She hardly made a sound and was suddenly very thankful for all those years of Auror training. 'Now if only I could be this sneaky while actually on the job...' she thought.

From around the next corner, the floorboards made a light creaking sound. Tonks froze and listened. Slowly, she made her way to the corner and waited. The floorboards creaked again, closer this time. Someone was there. Could it be a Ninja? She wondered. 'Only one way to find out...' Tonks jumped out from behind the corner, yelled "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" and fired at a very startled...Crookshanks. The cat yelped and ran down the hallway, his masses of fluffy (and now wet) fur standing completely on end. "Oops," said Tonks, shrugging.

"Wow, you spend way too much time around Moody," came an amused voice from behind her. Tonks let out a scream, turned around and fired blindly down the hallway. A jet of water hit a vase that was perched on the edge of a table, causing it to fall off and break with a loud CRASH! Harry laughed as the shock faded from Tonks' face.

"Bloody hell, Harry!" she said, slightly exasperated. "Giving the Captain a heart attack is a bad idea. Unless, of course, you've converted to the Ninja side, in which case I'll have to kill you."

Harry raised his arms in defense "No! I'm sorry, Tonks!" He was still laughing, which didn't make Tonks feel any better.

"What are you doing here anyway?" she said, a touch of edge to her voice. "Shouldn't you be going after Sirius with Bill?"

"I was!" he said. "But...well..."

Tonks suddenly became concerned at the downtrodden look on his face. "But what? Harry, what happened?" Harry sank to the floor, holding his knees to his chest. Tonks sat down beside him. "What happened?" she asked again.

Harry took a breath. "Bill...Bill's been captured." He buried his head in his hands. "It was horrible, Tonks! They had us surrounded! And Sirius... he almost got me too. He's bloody lethal, I tell you! I-I just barely escaped with my life..."

Tonks was crestfallen. First Ginny, now Bill? Did they even stand a chance anymore? "On the good side, though," said Harry, looking up, "Dumbledore's on our team now."

Tonks' heart rose at the news. "Dumbledore?! Where did he get here?"

"Not long ago, apparently. Fred just brought him to base a few minutes ago." He smiled. "Apparently the Ninjas got stuck with McGonagall."

Tonks laughed. This was good news. Maybe they did stand a chance after all. Suddenly, Tonks had an idea. "Forget Sirius," she said. "Find McGonagall. No, better yet...find Crookshanks." There was a mischievous grin upon her face. Harry had an idea of what she was up to, and boy, did he like it.

A/N: Again, apologies for the shortness. The next chapter is going to be fun, if not slightly disturbing. Mwahahahaha!


	5. Bad McGonagall!

**A/N**: Thanks for reviewing! As a Valentine's Day gift to you all, I bring you a new chapter and possibly a bad mental image or two. This one's a bit twisted (more so than the rest of the fic). If you haven't noticed, I changed the rating to K+. There has been some language and this chapter contains some mildly adult content, so I upped the rating just to be safe. I might have the next (and maybe last, I don't know yet) chapter up tonight, but if not, it'll be up this weekend at the latest. Enjoy!

* * *

Professor McGonagall was _not_ having fun. All she had wanted to do was catch an early dinner at Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place

before the Order meeting began, but _nooo_, she just _had_ to get sucked into this silly game. When she first arrived at the Ninja base, she

was quite peeved, but was mildly comforted when Remus gave her a look that clearly said '_Yeah, I know._' At least she wasn't alone in

her frustration. And now she was in her tabby cat Animagus form, slinking around the dirtiest corners of the long-empty house, looking for

a stupid flag. This was not how she had wanted to spend her day.

McGonagall emerged from underneath a dusty bureau and tried to bat the cobwebs off from around her ears. '_We'd better win this _

_bloody game,_' she thought angrily, '_I'll be pulling lint out of my fur for weeks..._'

"Me-_ow_!" McGonagall turned in the direction of the greeting. Standing haughtily in the doorway was, to her surprise, another cat.

Crookshanks walked (seductively?) over to the Animagus. "Meow?" he asked. "_Meow!_"

"Meow-chika-_meow_-_meow_!" replied McGonagall. If cats had cheeks, hers would have been bright red. If cats could grin,

Crookshanks would have resembled a fluffy orange Cheshire cat.

McGonagall watched as Crookshanks turned and sauntered out of the room, tail in the air. He stopped at the doorway and turned to

her. "Meow?" he asked expectantly. McGonagall was torn. Should she stay and continue looking for the flag, thus possibly speeding up

this ridiculous game or should she go off for a quick romp with this mysterious ('_but quite handsome,_' she thought) cat? '_Bugger the _

_team!_' she decided and followed Crookshanks out of the room.

Crookshanks led her around the house for what, to McGonagall, seemed like ages before they finally arrived at a door on the third

floor. Crookshanks leaped up and pulled the handle down with his paws. The door creaked open and he slid into the room, McGonagall

following close behind. The room was a library. A huge library, in fact. McGonagall looked around the room, awestruck. She made a

mental note that she should probably spend more time at headquarters.

The door slammed. McGonagall snapped out of her reverie and spun around, alarmed.

"Why, _hello there_, Professor!" Harry said, mock cheerily. Crookshanks was rubbing up against his legs. She'd been tricked! That

stupid cat had lured her into a trap! McGonagall looked frantically around the room, trying to find an escape. Harry saw her nervousness

and said, "It's no use, Professor! There's no way out." He then laughed so evilly that, McGonagall thought, he could have given

Voldemort a run for his money. It was definitely a scary thought. McGonagall did the only thing she could think to do – hide. The evilness

in Harry's voice as he called for her to "Come out, come out wherever you are!" terrified her and she suddenly wished she hadn't given

him all those detentions. She was under a desk, quivering with nervousness. She could see Harry's feet walk by, stop, and then go off

somewhere else. McGonagall realized that she had been holding her breath and exhaled.

"Gotcha!" Harry appeared from behind and grabbed her tail. He pulled her out from under the desk, her claws scratching the floor in

resistance. He put her on top of the desk and she promptly returned to her human form.

"H-Harry!" she said nervously. "How nice to see you! Would you like some House points? Maybe the Quidditch Cup?" She hoped her

bribes (however empty they may be) would make Harry slightly less evil. They didn't.

"A tempting offer, Professor, but that's not exactly what I'm looking for." He settled down into the large spinning chair at the desk and

Crookshanks jumped up onto his lap. He would have looked like the villain in a James Bond movie if villains in James Bond movies

dressed like pirates. "What I'm looking for...is the flag." McGonagall laughed at how silly she'd been being. Of course he wanted the flag!

What did he want to do, torture her? One look at the evil glint in his eyes and she thought that maybe he did, but he wasn't going to (at

least, she hoped he wouldn't).

"I'll tell you where the flag is, Potter," she said diplomatically, regaining her composure, "on one condition."

Harry was ready to negotiate. "Really, professor? And what would that be?"

McGonagall grinned. "The cat."

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**A/N**: Yes, I do like writing about good characters being evil. It's fun. Mwahahahaha! 


	6. Snape's here!

**A/N**: The only note I bring you for this chapter is that from here on out there is some possible if-you-look-at-it-sideways-and-under-a-blacklight-during-Lent-once-every-ten-years kind of way SS/NT. That's right kiddies, Snapey's here! Also, this is the fabled "hot Snape." Don't like it, don't imagine it so. Also, I do not own the "Airplane!" reference in this chapter. Enjoy and PLEASE review!

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Severus Snape approached the front door of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place and was about to knock, but then remembered that

Sirius hated it when people rang the doorbell, so he did that instead. The portrait of Mrs. Black screamed inside and Snape imagined his

old rival falling down the stairs in an attempt to get to the portrait. It brought a twisted smile to his face.

Almost as soon as the screaming started, however, it stopped. Rather than being greeted with a string of swears by Sirius like he usually

was, the door instead only opened a few inches, as if on its own. Against the laws of common sense (#22: If a door opens by itself, don't

go in), Snape pushed the door the rest of the way open and stepped inside. The front hall was empty, which of course, was quite unusual.

"Hello?" he called out cautiously. The door closed behind him, and before he could turn around, a hand clasped over his mouth and a

strong arm held his arms to his sides. Snape struggled and tried to pull out his wand, but the figure tightened the grip on him. Whoever it

was, there were surprisingly strong. The figured dragged him into a nearby closet and released him. "WHAT THE BLOODY—" Snape

almost yelled.

"Shh!" hushed the figure mid-sentence.

Snape muttered, "_Lumos!_" and the closet was illuminated by a dim light. Snape was shocked when his captor was revealed.

"_Nymphadora?!_" he cried in a hushed tone.

"In the flesh!" she replied cheerily. "And it's _Tonks_." Snape rolled his eyes. A million questions ran through his head, the most

important being "What the bloody hell is going on?!" a concern which he voiced to Tonks, who was looking out at the hall through a crack

in the door.

"I'll explain soon!" she said. "Just keep quiet!" Put off at being bossed around by the bumbling Auror, Snape was about to argue, but

obeyed the order when Tonks flashed him a warning look. She turned her attention back to spying out of the closet. Curious, Snape

positioned himself so that he could see too. Standing in the front hall was...a ninja? '_No, it can't possibly be,_' thought Snape. Upon closer

inspection of the figure, he came to realize that not only was it indeed a ninja, but it was one of his least favorite students, Ron Weasley,

dressed as a ninja. Snape's jaw dropped in shock. He pinched himself to make sure this wasn't some kind of twisted dream. It wasn't,

much to his dismay. He tried to say something to Tonks, but his brain was too confused to produce words. Instead he only ended up

looking like a fish gasping for air. Out in the hall, Ron looked around, shrugged, and went back the way he came. He and Tonks remained

in the closet until they heard a door close in the distance, at which point Tonks opened the closet door and stepped into the hall. Snape

had been leaning against the door, and when Tonks opened it, he fell flat on his face with a loud THUD!

"Jesus, Sev!" she said, turning around. "Don't be so clumsy. They might hear you!" She grabbed him by the robes and helped him to his

feet. He was about to argue, but instead just shook his head. It wouldn't do any good.

Only when Snape was back on his feet and brushing the dust off his robes did he finally notice Tonks' strange attire.

"Are you...dressed as a..._a pirate?!_" he asked incredulously. Tonks didn't reply. She took him by the arm and led him up the staircase

and into a room on the second floor. If being pulled into a closet by a pirate Tonks, seeing Ron Weasley dressed as a ninja, and falling flat

on his face weren't enough excitement for Snape for one day, what came next was good enough to do him in for good. Gathered in the

room were Harry Potter, Fred Weasley and ... '_Albus Dumbledore?_' And they were all dressed as pirates. "This day keeps getting

worse and worse," said Snape to himself as he examined the pirate crew. Shaking his head as if trying again to wake himself from this

horrible nightmare (God, how he wished it was a nightmare!), he finally said, "So will someone please tell me what's going on here? Is this

some kind of psychological warfare against Voldemort or something? Because if you wanted to do that, you should have dressed up as

flamingos, not pirates..." he ended sarcastically.

"This, Sevvie," said Tonks (she ignored that he flinched at the use of the diminutive, but Harry and Fred snickered.), "is the Pirate team.

Welcome to our little game of Capture the Flag!" Snape blinked, the look on his face blank. With an exasperated sigh, Tonks quickly

explained the game and the Pirate team's current situation. When she finished, Snape said, "So let me get this straight. You've spent all

day dressed like pirates, looking for a bloody flag, and shooting each other with Muggle water guns?" The team nodded. "Surely you must

have something better to do!" The team shook their heads.

"And don't call me Shirley!" added Fred. Harry and Tonks snickered. Snape rolled his eyes. Dumbledore was completely ignoring the

whole situation and instead was sitting on a bed attempting to play paddleball, but the ball simply would not get onto the paddle. After a

few minutes of trying, he threw it aside, muttered "It must be broken..." and conjured up a new one, which also would not stay on the

paddle long enough to bounce.

Snape was still completely astounded by the stupidity of whole the situation. Fred laughed at him. "You're acting just like McGonagall,"

he said. "She's on the other team though."

"Speaking of," said Tonks, "Harry, what did you do to her? I trust you have the location of the flag, by the way?" she added

expectantly.

Harry grinned. "Of course! As for McGonagall...she...well..." his almost looked a little sick.

"She's...umm..._she'soffshaggingCrookshanks_." The Piartes wished they hadn't heard what he'd said, but they did. Everyone in the room

gave a collective shudder. "In cat form, of course!" he added. "Ya know, if that helps." It didn't. They all shuddered again.

"ANYWAY!" said Fred loudly to break the awkward silence in the room. "So, Harry, where _is_ the flag?"

"What?" said Harry, trying to banish the bad mental images from his brain. "Oh, the flag, right. It's in the bathroom on the first floor,

Spell-O-Taped underneath the toilet seat."

"Perfect!" cried Tonks excitedly. "Now we need a plan. But first..." Tonks grabbed her wand and pointed it at Snape and his usual

plain, black robes were transfigured into a pirate costume. Snape was not terribly happy with the change in wardrobe, but Tonks thought

she had done a good job. She blew on the tip of her wand suavely to emphasize her pride in his new look. Snape now wore black leather

boots, black breeches that (Tonks wasn't ashamed to notice) showed off his surprisingly nice figure, a dark green poofy pirate shirt and a

black vest embroidered with silver. To finish off the look, his long black hair was tied back in a very pirate-y ponytail with a dark green

ribbon. Tonks had every right to be proud of her work – he looked hot.

Snape sighed, resigned to his fate. "So," he said, "what's the plan?" Tonks grinned and the Pirates gathered close around her.

"Okay, so here's what we're gonna do..."


	7. The Final Battle and Victory

**A/N** (please read!): First off, I'd like to apologize for taking three months to update this fic. I knew where I wanted to go, but I just didn't know how to write it, and I didn't want to update and have it end up completely sucking. It's not perfect, but hopefully it was worth at least a fraction of the wait. Secondly, thank you all **SO MUCH** for all the support you've given me throughout this fic. I am so glad you guys have enjoyed it as much as I've enjoyed writing it. It's one of my most popular fics with over 1300 views!!! I never thought that would happen! I hope it made you laugh, even a little. That's what I was aiming for anyway. And now, on with the story! Enjoy the last chapter and please review!

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'_The enveplope was covered with mud and unstamped. It bored the words 'To be handed to M. le Vicomte de Chagny,' with the address in pencil. It –_' CREAK! Remus looked up from his novel (A/N: Bonus points if you can tell me what he's reading!). Sirius had made him guard the prison and if he found out that Remus was reading on the job, there'd be hell to pay. Remus scanned the hallway, but saw nothing that looked suspicious. He opened the book and just as he began to read again, he heard another loud CREAK!, this one appearing to come from the nearby staircase. He looked up the stairs, but again, there was nothing. Remus was about to pick up the book again, when...CREAK! He put the book back down. A moment later, he picked it back up again.

CREAK!

Down. Silence.

Up. CREAK!

Down. Silence.

Up. CREAK!

Remus sighed exasperatedly. "Fine, Sirius!" he called out. "You win, I'll stop reading!"

"Don't worry, Remus, you'll have plenty of time to read in prison!" Before he could reach for his gun, Remus felt cold water hit his chest. He looked around frantically and spotted his attacker of the staircase. It was Tonks. "_NOW!_" she cried. A second later, the sound of Mrs. Black's screams filled the house. Tonks jumped over the railing and ran down the hall toward Remus, who promptly moved out of the way of the charging Auror. Tonks opened the door of the study and Ginny and Bill looked up, alarmed. "Grab your weapons and get out!" she yelled to them before running back to the front hall. With a glance at each other, Ginny and Bill obeyed and followed Tonks out of the room. Remus looked after them, shrugged, and went into the study with his book. He closed the door on the action and settled down into an overstuffed armchair, finally at peace.

In the front hall, a battle was raging. On Tonks' signal, Harry had opened the curtains of Mrs. Black's portrait. As planned, the screams drew the Ninjas (minus Remus and McGonagall) into the front hall, where they were met by Tonks, Harry, Fred, Dumbledore and the newly released prisoners.

"Oh, _sh_—," Sirius was about to say, but was cut off by a jet of water that just barely missed his head. "RUN!" he shouted to his team. The Ninjas turned toward the base, but the Pirates herded them into the drawing room where it all began, slamming the door behind them. There, the battle raged on.

When Snape was sure that the coast was clear, he emerged from the closet that Tonks had dragged him into only half an hour ago and made a dash for the bathroom where the Ninja flag waited. Not bothering with secrecy since he was sure that his teammates had the Ninjas occupied, Snape ran down a long dusty hallway. He stopped in front of the bathroom door and went inside. There, peeking out from under the lid of the toilet, was the red flag. Not even bother to lift the lid, Snape yanked the flag free and dashed back to the hall.

Snape ran as fast as his legs would carry him back to the front hall and up the stairs. The base and a victory for the Pirate team were only twenty-five feet away. This was it, he thought, they were going to win! Snape wanted to slap himself when he felt the rush of excitement flood his chest and a grin spread across his face. Snape coughed awkwardly and regained his composure, then began to walk down the hall with the same proud, intimidating air that he exhibited at Hogwarts.

The base was twenty feet away...

Fifteen...

Ten...

Five...he was almost there. Then...

"Hello, _Snivellus_." Sirius. The Ninja captain walked out of the door opposite the Pirate base. He was pointing his water gun right at Snape's head. Snape tried to reach for his own pistol, but Sirius fired a shot at him that he gracefully ducked. Sirius made a slight motion and Snape raised his hands in the air, still clutching the flag protectively. "I was hoping you'd show, Snivelly," Sirius said menacingly. "You know how much I love an opportunity to take you down a notch."

"Just like old times, right Black?" replied Snape in a tone matching his enemy's. "I'm surprised you're this brave even when Potter isn't around to save your ass."

Sirius' eyes narrowed. "Why you little!" He extended his arm and held the nozzle of the gun between Snape's eyes. Snape could talk all he wanted, but deep down, he was nervous. There was no way out; if he moved even an inch, Sirius would shoot him and all would be lost for the Pirates. He needed help. He needed a miracle. He needed...Tonks? Over Sirius's shoulder against the wall was a mirror. In it, Snape could clearly see Tonks crouching on the staircase, ready to attack. Snape wondered if she was hidden well enough that Sirius couldn't see her, but Sirius was so caught up in the drama of the moment that she could have been dancing naked in front of him and he still wouldn't notice. "Say goodbye, Snivelly," Sirius said. In a flash, Tonks jumped out from behind the corner and shot Sirius straight in the temple. He looked wide-eyed from Snape, to Tonks, then back to Snape.

Snape grinned. "Goodbye." He ran past Sirius and into the Pirate base, where he raised the flag in the air in victory. Tonks appeared in the doorway a second later and pounced on Snape, capturing him in a bone-breaking hug.

"We won! We won! We won!" she cried. Snape returned the embrace and grinned mockingly over her shoulder at Sirius, who huffed and walked away. On the staircase, Sirius yelled dejectedly, "Game's over, Pirates win!" Both teams burst through the door of the drawing room, the Pirates cheering loudly and the Ninjas grumbling. Everyone was soaking wet; apparently the "get-shot-and-you're-out" rule went out the window in the heat of battle. Snape and Tonks came down the stairs a few moments later and were met with cheers and applause from the Pirates. Harry rushed over to them and gave Snape a huge hug. Snape looked at his least favorite student oddly.

"Potter?" he said.

"Yes?"

"Get off of me." Harry quickly backed off and mumbled an awkward apology. Just as Snape was brushing the Potter germs off of his vest, Dumbledore rushed up to him and took Harry place. Snape rolled his eyes and patted the Headmaster lightly on the back.

When Dumbledore pulled away, he said, "I do believe this calls for a celebration." The Pirates cheered and followed him to the kitchen. Dumbledore waved his wand and the dreary kitchen became a pirate-themed paradise. Everyone gathered around the table, Ron, Hermione and Fred doing so grudgingly.

"I think you forgot something, Professor," said Tonks, looking around at the decorations. She waved her wand and in front of every seat there appeared a tankard of rum.

"Sweet!" said Ron, reaching for his tankard, but Hermione slapped his hand away and glared at him. He looked down and mumbled at her under his breath. Just then, Sirius burst through the door, dragging Remus by the ear with one hand and McGonagall in the same way with the other. He looked furious and ignored their cries of pain. He let them go and they all sat down at the table, Remus and McGonagall rubbing their ears and glaring at Sirius. Tonks stood up from her seat and held her tankard. Everyone quieted down.

"I propose a toast," she said. "First, to the Ninja team for playing such a good game." The Ninjas glared at Tonks, but she ignored them and continued. "Secondly, to Crookshanks and Harry for getting us the location of the flag, even though they scarred up for life in the process." Everyone at the table shuddered and McGonagall blushed wildly. Crookshanks only stretched and yawned lazily. "And finally...to Snape." Snape glared at her, but all of the other Pirates were smiling broadly at him. Tonks lifted her tankard high into the air. "To the Pirates!" she cried.

"To the Pirates!" everyone echoed, clanking their tankards and drinking their rum. Actually, Sirius chugged his, but no one could blame him. The group continued to drink and talk loudly when Molly Weasley burst through the door, looking furious.

"_What on Earth is going on here?!_" she cried. "I thought I told you to clean and now look at this house! It's worse off than it was before! I can't believe you all, it seems I can't leave you alone for _one day_ without you making a mess! Why I _never_ –" Molly rambled on, but the Pirates at least paid her no mind. Remus would be the one to get in trouble anyway. In mid-ramble, she grabbed Remus by the ear and dragged him out of the room, his swears and cries of pain being drowned out by her scolds.

Sirius got up from his seat and walked over to Tonks and Snape who were chatting amongst themselves. They looked up when they saw him approach. Sirius extended his hand toward Snape, shocking everyone who saw them. "Good game," he said without emotion. Snape nodded and shook his rival's hand. Then Sirius turned to Tonks and smiled. "And _you_," he said, embracing her warmly. "You are a bloody genius! I think I speak for all of us when I say that that was the most fun I've had all summer." The group nodded in agreement. It was only for one day, but everyone was thankful for the break in the summer monotony that the War of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place had provided. From then on, boredom was not something often seen around the Order headquarters; they made their own fun.


End file.
